In The Midst of My Frustration

I want to share something I’ve never discussed on this blog before. For the past few weeks, it’s been hard for me to pray with anyone. Many of you know that on Facebook, I receive a lot of prayer requests. I try to respond to them as soon as possible. But when it comes to praying in person for strangers it’s been a struggle. It’s been weeks since I prayed for any of my patients.I’m not sure what happened. I seem to have entered a phase where my motivation to pray for strangers is at an all-time low. I’m still transporting people who need prayer. But my heart just isn’t being tugged at like it once was. Or maybe it’s being tugged at, but I’m not responding.

I’m in a season of turmoil.

Lately, it seems as if all I want to do is write. I swear, if I could lock myself in a closet for a month, with a laptop and enough coffee to get me through, I’d be perfectly happy. Just think of all the books I could write.

I’ve been hanging around Jim Palmer too much. Whenever I read his material, I’m inspired to write. And I’ve been reading a lot of his stuff lately and getting inspired to write more.

So here I am—a frustrated writer trapped inside the body of a busy paramedic.

I had a dream a few nights ago.

In the dream, I went to visit my ex-wife.

Yes, I have one. And we don’t get along very well.

It’s a long story.

So, I drove to her house. As I approached, I noticed that her driveway and front yard were littered with abandoned cars.  I stopped and called her on my phone. When she answered, I could see from my vantage point that she was sitting in the yard at a picnic table. I said, “If I know you, you’re probably sitting in the yard at a picnic table.”

I drove closer to her house, but I had to maneuver my car carefully around the other cars.

I parked and got out.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she warned. “I’m going to call the police and have you arrested.”

I decided to leave. I got in my car and drove carefully out of her driveway. For an instant, it dawned on me that leaving was going to be much more difficult than getting there. The cars and how they were positioned, made it impossible for me to leave the same way I came.

Then suddenly, the whole scene changed. I wasn’t in her driveway any longer. I was in what looked like an apartment complex and the ground was covered with new-fallen snow.

There were still cars scattered here and there, but now there were people walking around and I had to avoid hitting them, too. I drove my car slowly, to the far edge of the parking lot, and tried to squeeze my way out, next to a building, without hitting anyone, but a man walked in my path and I had to stop. I could tell he was blind.

I had my window down, so I yelled out, “Do you want to be healed?”

He said, “Sure”.

So I got out and prayed with him.

That’s when the dream ended.

My ex-wife is a sore spot in my life. Our failed marriage is a constant source of pain and regret—a wound in my soul that has not yet been healed. In the dream, my visit to her place seems to represent God’s desire to take a closer look at something that’s been bugging me from my past. The subject (I believe) is not my relationship with my ex-wife, but the difficulty I’m having with my own past, my identity, and my destiny.

I sense that God is saying that we’re all bound to face discouragement, regret, and other negative feelings, which can become obstacles to progress. In the dream, the cars I had to drive around were obstacles. Regret lives in our past but can be an obstacle to our future when we dwell on it. Discouragement likewise affects our future if we allow room for it.

One of the things I’m dealing with is professional discontent. As much as I like my job, there’s a part of me that desperately wants to spend more time writing. I feel like my career is preventing me from doing that. The funny thing is; I’m not even sure that my career is a real obstacle. I have plenty of time to write on my days off. It could be that I’m only perceiving it to be an obstacle.

The people in the parking lot appeared as obstacles, preventing me from reaching my destination, or so it seemed until I realized that they have needs that I could meet.

So the real problem I’m dealing with is my perception of obstacles. I see my job as an obstacle to writing, and it’s not. I see people as obstacles to my destiny and they’re not.

In the dream, the way out of my ex-wife’s driveway (and my past) was blocked. It could not move forward by going back the way I had come. The only way forward was to get a new perspective on life.

In the midst of my frustration, God is changing my perspective and giving me fresh grace (new-fallen snow), a new direction, and empowering me to do what He’s called me to do. Despite my fears and concerns, there are still people who need healing, and there will be more stories to write. God will provide time for both. These are the things I must focus on.

On a brighter note—my first book will be out soon. Yes, I know you’ve heard that before, but we’re almost done with the editing and since we’re self-publishing, it should be available soon. I’m beginning work on the second book, which will be a compilation of stories from this blog and a few stories I’ve never shared publicly.

I don’t have a New Year’s resolution to share with you. But I would greatly appreciate your prayers. I need wisdom and guidance and I need God’s purposes to be worked out in my life.

Thanks for dropping by,
PM