Living From a Heart of Offense
I was thinking about friends who have been deeply wounded by other Christians. Some have done a remarkable job of turning their pain and woundedness over to God and they’ve been healed. But some have not. (I may be in the second group.) I felt a warning from the Holy Spirit about living from a heart of offense.
In this age of social media, more of us have an audience of listeners than ever before. Some people’s audiences are large. Some are small. But most of us are influencing others with Facebook posts, blogs, etc. Even if we’re not aware of it.
The issue I felt the Lord addressing is the fact that the things we post reflect the condition of our hearts. If our heart has become jaded, offended or embittered toward others—especially if it’s been damaged in the hands of our brothers and sisters, it will be tainted, causing us to post negative or critical things toward the body of Christ.
We might feel like we have a right (or even an obligation) to warn others about the harsh treatment our friends can expect from those who have offended us. There are a thousand ways to justify unforgiveness. But we’d be wise to consider one thing:
The wounds and offenses we receive from others are done out of ignorance. Those who hurt us think they’re doing the right thing—usually in a misguided attempt to “protect the sheep.” While the ones who hurt us may be guilty of ignorance, we have no defense for our refusal to forgive them.
If we refuse to forgive others and in stubbornness, continue our crusade to right the wrongs that were done, we’re teaching others to do the same. It dawned on me that while my own wounds are my concern, my example to others is something God holds me accountable for. And I would be a fool to set that kind of example for others.
My friend Schuler Murdock shared this illustration:
“Some years ago, Papa showed me an “image” of taking offense that I’ve never forgotten.
“Joe Christian” was minding his own business when “Bill Christian” purposefully approached him and placed a rather large bag filled with stinky dog poop in his hands. Bill promptly walked away and Joe stood there with a most horrified and disgusted look on his face.
Joe quickly took his stinky bag home and showed it to his family. They all turned up their noses, shook their heads, and agreed that Bill shouldn’t have done that.
Joe carried his bag to Church with him and showed everyone what Bill had done. Just like his family, they all turned up their noses, shook their heads, and agreed that Bill shouldn’t have done that.
Joe carried his bag to work, he took it with him to lunch. In fact, Joe carried his stinky bag of dog poop with him everywhere he went.
It didn’t take long before his family didn’t want to be around him anymore. When he went to Church, people gave him a forced smile and moved to sit someplace else, where the smell wasn’t so bad.
Soon everywhere Joe went, he found himself alone and the “image” ended there.
The moral of the story seemed pretty obvious. It’s not right for someone to offend us. But if we take that offense and carry it around with us, it only multiplies the harmful effects of the original offense.”
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Some people are just plain mean and know they hurt by their words others, as you said are not aware of the hurt they have caused, but I have found out the hard way, it is my responsiblity as a child of God to forgive and not let the hurt sour me about people, I have laid those hurts on the altar many times only to find I had picked them up again, after many years I am not where I need to be but thank you Jesus I am not where I was, good word of truth PM <3
I love Schuler’s illustration. It’ perfectly describes what happens when we live in offense. When someone does something ‘offendable’ to us, we actually have several options, or choices to make. We can react out of our emotions and past wounds and go on the defense even if it’s not to that person’s face. (which is what Schuler was illustrating) or we can set a healthy boundary and choose to forgive, even explaining that you will not engage in this conversation with them until there is some respect, etc.
In these situations, it really is about us and only us. WE have the choice to forgive and set better boundaries that are clear to those we want to be in relationship with or we have a choice to walk around sharing our poo with others. Just because we have an crowd of people who agree with everything we say and try to justify doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. Unforgiveness will skew the way we see everything it will harden our heart and cause us to become bitter and critical.
I think when we can live with forgiveness in our hearts, get over ourselves and let Jesus be our defender, we will become a great influencer wherever we are. We are accountable for ourselves and our behavior, not anyone else’s. Like Danny Silk often says, I only have control over my self, and that is only on a good day!
What is the proper response from Joe? Should he accept the pile of feces and be happy? Should he bury it deep in the ground and “pretend” he never received it? My heart tells me he should give it to God…but what kind of “gift” is that? I suppose I have carried and buried my share of “stinky stuff” does God want me to give even this to him?
I can see why you would hesitate to give that kind of “gift” to God, Tonya. But do you really think you can handle it better than He can? I believe that Jesus took all the darkness, sin and garbage of the world into Himself on the cross when He was made sin for us. We can come to the cross and give the offense to Him, and He will give us life and grace in return.
Well, no one can ever say that you do not illustrate your point with great clarity!
No one can possibly miss this point with this one.
Great job.
I learned this something about releasing those who offend … sometimes everything you try just does not seem to work and you don’t know why. You know it is in your heart to live to please the Father but something just hangs on.
Up since 2:00 AMish, I heard the answer around 5:00 AM … to ask Holy Spirit to pour a fresh anointing of His Grace into the spirit of the ‘offender’ … they most often do what they do out of their own barrenness. When they are FULL of Him, all they can do is what He does.
I felt a sweet release … and the “proof” that this is finally, once for all and ever DONE is this … when I ‘look’, I no longer see the offense.
Complete forgiveness is wiping away the injury. It just is not there anymore; therefore it can no longer hurt me therefore I AM FREE.
In releasing these folks it is I who am released. The door is shut to that thing coming in at me again; I learned that as long as I was not able to forgive a door was left open. I believe that is why many of us go round and round and round again. Different faces, same thing.
Forgiveness is the KEY that sets the captive free. I was the captive … and so were the “offenders”
Okay, well, apparently I wanted to share this Victory 🙂
This one was meant for me to read today, even though I carry it, I don’t share it, I just throw it back at that person who gave it to me every time the situation arises again.-if it makes any sense.It is easier to forgive those that you don’t live with.
Well crap! I didn’t want to read this because I would much rather look at the people who have wounded(such a mild inadequate word is the word wounded) me, and now I have to drum up energy to look at me and I would much rather put all of my and our collective focus on “them.” My lack of forgiveness, my unwillingness to forgive, my attempts to go forward and then to find myself taking ten steps backward while shouting at heaven are realities of who I am. Even as I read your piece my mind screams, “but what about them?” I should be honest at this juncture and say that is the polite version of my Sandra flavored scream. Now, I have to once again deal with HS gently saying, “what about you?” I don’t know about you PM but I recoiled when I read Schuler’s illustration. It is almost too poignant, too in your face, too glaring, kind of like a powerful spot light that causes you to immediately want to shade your eyes. I guess it’s back to the drawing board, asking God to give me a desire, a willingness and the resolve to forgive those who don’t deserve to be forgiven. They are quite like me I confess. I did nothing to deserve His forgiveness. Nothing. And yet. He saw me. He loved me. And He forgave me, forgives me, will continue to forgive me as He gives me His heart for people. And like me, those people, nasty as some of them are will eventually be loved by me. Because there is NO way that I am going to lug around a bag of poop. It is just too sad too distasteful to even contemplate. Poop, dragged around by a daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD. Not doing it.
Amazing analogy I am going to share.Katie Sousa has an amazing teaching on Being unoffenable . I listen to it often because we walk daily in a world where self entitlement reigns, and it is easy to get offended if we are not on our guard. It is for me a process to get to the place where I am offended.
Brilliant. Great illustration. It’s good to be reminded. I often think about our need to share our offenses. If He forgives us and doesn’t recall. Have we really forgiven others if we need to continue to talk and meditate about others trespasses.
The unoffendable teaching makes me laugh because it contradicts itself. Those who preach this message tend to sit and point out how others are still in offense. So instead of focusing on their hurt, they begin focusing on pointing out how others have not overcome their hurts. lol Then if you find a person like me who points out the absurdity of the concept, then they will say, “See you are in offense because you are being critical of the unoffendable teaching”. haha Interestingly this teaching actually makes people MORE critical of one another except now you’ve made this teaching your “issue” instead of the other hurt that was deemed an offense.
Despite what I said above, I agree totally we need to forgive people who have hurt us. We also can’t let that hurt, give us any justification to treat others the same way. If the offense is by a specific teaching, a church’s leadership or by a specific ministry, then I disagree totally that we have to put up with it. We need to protect ourselves and get away from it and yes perhaps even warn others. To allow people to continue abusing us is actually a sense of unworthiness to be treated well. To send someone to be abused by those same people who hurt you isn’t loving either. I wouldn’t send my friend to a bad hair stylist or to a crooked mechanic, so why would I send my friend to an abusive minister or church?
What we do with our hurt is important though! I recommend using it to become a better example of what you would like to see in the church or in ministry etc. However with the way we teach living unoffended, many people could actually say Paul was in offense for standing so firm in his ways. Some of his letters were pretty harsh and called churches out for their hypocrisy. If we did that today, you would be listed at the top of “who lives offended”. 🙂
I find the unoffendable teachings only build up walls to protect the bullies and abusers. I should also point out that even Jesus himself was offended by things. He drove people out and flipped tables over in the temple courts where they were buying and selling goods. Jesus was also clearly offended by the Pharisees as well.
One way this teaching would be better suited for the church is to say that we should not become offended at GOD by the things that people in the church have done to us. Often times when we are hurt in the church, we then actually blame God for it or even think that God feels the same way as that person who hurt us, even though that’s likely not true at all. This is where this teaching would make more sense, so those are my thoughts.
Merry Christmas everyone! 🙂