Meeting Each Other’s Needs In Marriage

In the first year of our marriage, Denise and I explored the idea of creating a ministry for struggling couples. We thought we might host marriage workshops to provide other couples with tools to stay together so they could avoid the pain and suffering we experienced in our past. We enrolled in a class that would teach us how to facilitate these kinds of events.

One of the required books for the class was His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It’s a well-known book in marriage counseling circles, but at the time, I had no idea how deeply it would impact us.

The class had a unique exercise. Men were given blue highlighters, women were given pink ones. The instructions were simple: read each chapter on your own, highlighting anything you wanted your spouse to notice. Then, read the same chapter together, focusing on what the other person had highlighted. The bonus came when you saw that both of you had highlighted the same section—those were moments of instant clarity, where the “aha” was shared.

When I got to the chapter on emotional needs in the book, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t even know I had emotional needs. But as I read and reflected, it became painfully clear why my first marriage had failed. I hadn’t been meeting my ex-wife’s emotional needs, and she hadn’t been meeting mine. So, we each turned to other people—friends, acquaintances—who would meet those needs in ways our marriage no longer did. Without realizing it, we drifted apart physically, emotionally, and spiritually until there was nothing left holding us together.

That realization was a turning point for me. I understood that meeting each other’s emotional needs wasn’t a bonus or a luxury—it was essential for the survival and health of a marriage. Denise and I decided that this would become one of the foundational blocks of our relationship.

Men’s Needs—General Tendencies

In general (though not always), men and women differ in the way they prioritize certain needs. In our workshop, we were surprised to learn that first, men need respect. If respect is not there, a man will struggle to thrive in the relationship. The Bible in various places instructs wives to respect to their husbands. It seems God knows about this emotional need.  Most people believe men value sexual fulfillment first, but it seemed to rank second in our studies. However, it is an important need that creates a special bond in marriage, and should be treated as such. Men also need recreational companionship—doing enjoyable activities with their spouse. They may have a lower need for long, emotionally deep conversations or hobbies like gardening.

If top needs are not met, things can go sideways. If a wife is disrespectful to her husband—giving him glances of disapproval, complaining about or insulting him, especially in front of family and friends—it is destructive. We witnessed an example of this in a couple we knew. The husband was beaten down and devalued. Denise tried to counsel the wife about it. She didn’t take the advice, and we saw the behavior continue until they moved out of state.

Denise has a strong position against the epidemic of disrespect, notably towards men, which has risen in the last decade, maybe longer. If our Western society could reject this attitude of disrespect, she believes society would rapidly sort out many other problems. Men and women should work for, not against each other, in marriage. Disrespect can gradually divide them and erode the feelings of companionship and love that were once strong.

Despite the potential difficulties today’s couples face, there’s always hope if we’re willing to submit to a process of change. Marriages on the brink of destruction can turn around. It can happen even when only one partner changes their behavior towards their spouse. It doesn’t have to require years of marriage counseling if one spouse can start the process of change. Of course, it’s best if both husband and wife make changes together, but sometimes the wife will adjust her attitude, and the husband will follow. He will react positively to the new behavior or attitude she’s projecting toward him. We’ve seen this happen—it transformed a marriage in which the wife was about to move out of the home. Of course, it can also work similarly if the husband takes the initiative to make changes first.

Women’s Needs—General Tendencies

Women, on the other hand, often prioritize security in every area—in their relationships, with their children, their finances, and their households. Women also tend to value emotional connection, meaningful conversation, and quality time—while their need for sex, in terms of frequency or urgency, may be lower. Of course, there are exceptions, and some couples are wired in reverse. But the point is this: if those differences are not recognized and addressed, they will become friction points in the marriage.

A wife who craves conversation and emotional closeness yet marries a man who has little interest in communication might develop an “emotional affair” with a co-worker, sharing her thoughts, fears, and victories with him instead of with her husband. When her spouse finds out, the betrayal feels every bit as real as a physical affair. And let’s face it, an emotional connection can sometimes lead to a physical affair. Those who address the top needs of their spouse can avoid this destructive outcome for the marriage and the family.

The Cost of Meeting Needs

Meeting each other’s emotional needs often requires sacrifice. For most women, security is a top priority. Security isn’t just financial stability—it’s the assurance that her husband is safe, healthy, and not putting himself in unnecessary danger.

When Denise and I worked through our emotional needs inventory, it became evident to me that my high-risk hobbies—mountaineering, kayaking, rock climbing—were a problem for her. One example stands out: I had always wanted to climb Mount Rainier. But for Denise, the thought of me being on that mountain was a nightmare. She pictured crevasses, sudden storms, and me not coming home. For her, the anxiety was too much. Security was non-negotiable. So, I gave it up. Not grudgingly, but willingly—because I wanted her to feel safe in our marriage. As it turned out, when we took a recreational interest inventory, we found we both enjoyed golf. That became our shared activity. I gave up a dangerous hobby, and in return, I got something that brought us closer together.

To Denise, I met another need by having what she calls “a teachable spirit.” She wanted a lifelong learner, not someone who felt he had life all figured out. We gradually gave up some rigid church doctrines, and I became open to a new church she wanted to explore. We learned about the prophetic, and as I stepped into my role as the spiritual leader of the household, I met another need she had.

Denise has made sacrifices for me, too. She is famous for reminding me that she didn’t move across the country, leave her family, her friends, her job, and sell her home in Pennsylvania to have her new husband die on a mountaintop, all for the thrill of it. She loves me, and is rightly protective—not just for the sake of her security, but for the stability of our blended family as well. She adjusted her habits to accommodate my unusual paramedic work schedule. She started a freelance graphic design business from home until she found a regular job in the area. She endured the dark, cloudy, rainy weather of the Pacific Northwest even though she craved sunshine and warmth. That’s the essence of covenant love: putting the needs of your spouse ahead of your own, not because you’re keeping score, but because you value the relationship more than your comfort.

In John 15:13, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” In marriage, that “laying down” happens in daily choices—meeting your spouse’s needs even when it costs you something.

Independent Behavior

When you first hear the phrase independent behavior, it might sound positive. In American culture, independence is often equated with liberty and the freedom to chart one’s own destiny. But in marriage, independent behavior is the tendency to act independently of your spouse’s needs, without their participation, and often without their knowledge. We learned of this term from a second book we read for our marriage facilitators workshop—Love Busters, also by Willard Harley. The key principle was the idea that married people should not act like they did when they were single.

Particular examples of independent behavior may seem harmless, such as spending every Friday night socializing with friends from the office after work. It may have been customary to have a “girl’s night out” when you weren’t married, but your husband doesn’t fit in. Or maybe you went bowling on certain nights, without fail, and followed up with drinks or food with your buddies afterward. Your wife doesn’t enjoy bowling, and she’s starting to feel neglected.

Other examples include keeping an old email address or social media account that a previous admirer used to contact you. These behaviors create insecurity for your spouse and could lead to trouble if it appears you are secretly trying to keep access open to a past relationship.

Then, there are extremely independent behaviors that are intentionally deceptive, such as having a secret bank account, engaging in hidden gambling, or making large purchases without agreement on spending with your spouse. In all things, it’s best for couples to mutually agree on some ground rules at the start. Discussing your time expenditure and activities can help you come to an agreement that works for both of you.

Transparency as a Remedy

One of the most effective ways to guard against independent behavior is transparency. In our marriage, Denise and I share the passwords and PINs to our electronic devices and social media accounts. At any time, we both know we have access to all devices and online activity. That accountability keeps us honest, but more importantly, it brings peace of mind. Transparency says, “I have nothing to hide from you, and I’m willing to let you see every part of my life.” That level of openness may feel risky, but it builds trust and removes the breeding ground for secrecy.

A happy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built on the intentional meeting of each other’s deepest needs, and on the commitment to remove anything—secrecy, neglect, independent behavior—that threatens that connection. When you both strive to live this way, you create a safe, thriving place where love can grow year after year. Instead of independent behavior, a more promising alternative is interdependence in marriage, where both partners maintain their individuality and also rely on each other for emotional support and connection. This balance allows for mutual respect. It includes healthy boundaries and the ability to grow both in the marriage and as individuals. And that’s worth every sacrifice you’ll ever make.

This is an excerpt from the book Wisdom for Marriage Made Simple