My Emotional Healing – Cynthia Keller Dowling
This testimony was written by Cynthia Keller Dowling about what transpired during and after The Gathering in DuPont, Washington the last weekend of July 2014. This story is being re-posted with author’s permission.
So, I wanted to share what’s been going on in me since the non-conference. I have been going through the ringer, I’m not going to lie, it’s not been easy…but God is so good and so consistent. Jesus is so alive & the Holy Spirit is in such constant contact with me, speaking to me in every emotion I deal with, giving me clear & concise communication .
The Lord had been moving me toward emotional healing long before the conference, but honestly, I was afraid. Not because I enjoyed being in pain, but because at least I knew what the pain held for me & I had no idea what real freedom would be. Christ came to set us free, but I had been choosing to walk in bondage, only allowing portions of the spirit to work through me. I also knew that my healing was deep & it would be a process. At worship that Saturday night I was on the floor; Jesus was breaking down the last of my self-protection reserves when He said, “This is going to be easy.” And I said, “Okay.”
Over the last two weeks I have met with Anna two times…and guess what? It’s pretty easy…and guess what? God won’t make you go anywhere you are not ready to go. He chose what I needed to deal with in that moment, He chose what emotion needed to be reckoned with, what behavioral problem needed to be cast out, laid at the feet of Jesus…and He knew exactly what He was going to give me to fill & heal my soul, to restore me to my righteous self…not because He didn’t already say I was righteous, but because even though I talked it & didn’t really understand it or feel it. Now I can feel portions of righteousness alive in my being, almost like it’s seeking out in me other places of needed restoration & confidently calling them out of their hiding places, but now I’m not afraid, now I’m confident that I can & will be totally healed.
Now remember, I’ve only had two sessions, but I understand that God really can do a quick work. Emotionally I can go back to those formerly wounded places & it’s as if I’m seeing them through someone else’s eyes. My heart cries out for healing for everyone else who contributed to those situations, understanding that they were living from their wounded places. This is true forgiveness & healing.
On that note I would also like to share that as I’ve been going through this process the Holy Spirit has been awakening to me my forms of communication. These are the automatic ways of thinking I’ve developed over the years, my habitual fall back reactions, designed by a young girl to make sure that no one ever got close enough to hurt her again. They are so subconscious, my subtle ways of emotionally manipulating myself and others to ensure that no one ever got “close enough” to me, the enemy’s way of making sure I never felt loved. The problem with this is that it is emotionally crippling, not only to me, but to the ones I love. Not only keeping away the unsafe people, but also creating barriers with my husband & my children. The Lord has been showing me how I’ve taught my kids that you have to be careful with love, you can’t freely give it, because what if you don’t get it back? Then you’ll be hurt…and you need to protect yourself. Wow!
I can’t say I never saw this in myself, although I see I had myself pretty convinced I wasn’t passing it on to my kids, but now He is helping me change all that. He’s showing me that I can help heal my kids’ wounds if I’ll just change the way I communicate with them, the way I love them. The Holy Spirit has been faithful to tap (or sometimes bang) on my head when I fall back into automatic and I’m being called to the carpet to reset my mind throughout the day; to chose to be aware of how I speak or the look on my face…do I look like love or do I look judgmental, or threatened, or angry? Jesus has kind of re-vamped the saying ‘what’s in your heart is what comes out of you” to “what’s in your mind is what comes out of you”, even in the subtlest of ways.
These last two weeks of choosing to venture into complete healing has been an eye opening one, and no I’m not done, but God is doing some deep healing in me. When I left my last session I saw that I was floating, not asleep but in a deep rest. As I was floating He was near my feet gently rolling me in circles as if He was turning me, but not actually touching me. As He spun me He was also wrapping a very thick blanket around me, not like when we were kids and someone would roll you up in a rug & it would get fatter and fatter, but I was actually absorbing the blanket into by body as He turned me. In fact, I’m still there, absorbing…focusing on what He wants to give me today before I move on to another session. I am a wounded soul but I don’t want anything more right now than to get better, that is my sole mission. God created us in His image…He is All…we are created to do All things…so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to do All things.
So Lord, I want a renewed mind to go along with my renewed soul & spirit. I don’t want to go on automatic, I want to love fully & freely without fear. I want to see every way that you want to change me, to take back every thing that Satan has had dominion over that has hindered anything in my life, and I want your body, your people, to not be afraid to become who you created them to be. Thank you Jesus that you love us so much that you are patient, that you don’t force us into something we can’t handle, but you encourage us to move forward, gently motioning us into place. Amen.
We are the clay on the potter’s wheel, being gently spun until we are perfect. Yay. 🙂