Jesus Heals and Integrates an Alter

This is a testimony of the emotional healing of a friend who contacted me on Telegram.

I have a childhood of sexual abuse and an emotionless home. During a move of the Spirit in the 90’s I was delivered and had much inner healing. But as the years went on I fell in and out of depression and despair, out of church, drifting. Starting in 2013, I had a cluster of traumas and grief in which my entire childhood family died and my house burnt down.  Everything I had saved of my family history was vaporized in this fire. Another year living in my parent’s house while recovering from chronic fatigue, then 6 months in a camper in the backyard without water while the house was finished.

I stopped being able to think, to process, to feel, and my memory deteriorated. I lost all emotions, gifting, music, love for my animals. It was a reduction of life to slogging thru the days and trying to stay awake. I went thru a couple of shrinks, tried anti-depressants, nothing helped.

Then PM recommended Greg Harvey, and from there Lisa Perna. I decided to pray in tongues every day and walk out back to spend time in the trees. I cut out all news and listened to the spoken word of God. I felt life coming back and asked God for my memory back. The Holy Spirit started dropping old praise songs into my head from when I was first saved. I sang them all day.  I had many experiences with God building me up through Lisa’s prayer broadcast. I had some deliverance, some healing, and then I hit a wall. I felt like my tongue was tied and I couldn’t get anything out into words or writing.  I got these horrible negative thoughts that I was a fraud as a Christian and decided to set up a little prayer closet and step things up.

Every day I went and worshipped and read the word and found that I was reading Psalm 139 and the song of Mary from Luke. I couldn’t get away from them. These are both prenatal themes. PM had mentioned alters, and I knew I had fragments of myself that were not functioning. It was obvious. My heart was as cold as a stone, and I even told my daughter I felt like a sociopath because I could not access any emotions. I wondered if this part of me was holding something for me and staying away.

I prayed a confession to the Lord and said, I will NOT be traumatized anymore by anything. You are with me, and I don’t care what man can do. You love me, and that’s what I will need from now on, your love, and your comfort, and I will not seek it elsewhere, I will go to you and trust you. There is no trauma in the presence of God. I asked for prayer on PM’s telegram for my fragmented part, and he asked me “Does the fragment know Jesus?”

If there is a part of me that takes over when I fall apart, this strong, emotionless robot, well, I need to introduce her to Jesus. The strong pull of the prenatal scriptures seemed to indicate a very very early piece of myself, perhaps without language. So I set out to nurture this part, as if I was lovingly parenting a small hurting child. I put beautiful sparkly lights in my prayer space, and a stuffed animal hugging its child. I repeated psalm 139 and asked the Holy Spirit to comfort me. To bring that part back in, so she can be with me always and not have to hold on to pain and dread anymore, but meet Jesus and give it to him, per PM’s little booklet. I told my hurt alter child “You are loved, you are by design, nothing missing, nothing broken, nothing lacking. I covered you in your Mother’s womb. I was there, with my hand upon you. I wrote your whole life with intention before you were formed. You are intentional. You are just what I want you to be. Give all the hurts to me. I already took them for you on the cross, stop holding them. I did it for you so you could receive my love. I had seen and heard this before, but it wasn’t for me. Here, I was speaking it over me. This is for me. I am coming out of agreement with lies and trusting and believing God’s loving word.

That day I began to see new things, and I asked God for “fluent elocution” in the place of despair. I felt his presence and got a scripture dropped into my mind.  When I spoke the scripture, it came out of my mouth backwards. This happens to me when my brain isn’t processing right. (When non-language alter is at the helm perhaps) The word was “perfect love casts out fear” but it came out “Perfect fear casts out love”. I was moved with compassion. The word is true backwards and forwards. I said, yes, if you hold onto fear, you will not feel love. So give him the fear, and take the love. I repeated it the right way, over and over and my left brain started tingling and got very warm and felt wonderful. As long as it tingled, I kept repeating it.

This is what I will believe from now on, and I will not believe lies about my Lord anymore.  I walked out of that prayer closet and floated thru the day. The presence of God bent me like a reed in the wind. His peace was strong.  I had a couple of mini visions. I had some prophetic stuff that I haven’t had in years.  The next night I had a rough time sleeping.

At 3 am a horrible thought hit my mind. God hasn’t healed you, you are deluded. You are just deceiving yourself into thinking you will ever get better. You are just as mentally screwed now as you always have been. There is no hope for you.  And, speaking in tongues is worthless and you should stop.

I lay there as if paralyzed, with no words, no counter, no idea what to do. I tossed and turned fitfully.  When I got up, I felt like I had just had my life-demon take a stab at my newly integrated fragment.  So, I played the opposite game and decreed God’s promises again, and prayed in tongues for a very long time. I worshipped and thanked Jesus for setting me free and placed all the lies I had heard at his feet and reaffirmed that I refused to believe lies about him or myself anymore.

Writing this is a miracle for me, and not a small one. I have not written a coherent thing in several years.  I continued seeing new blips of visions and walking in love and faith. I am not flopping around in defeat, I am a beloved child who had God’s hand on me, and God’s purposes in my future. I will defeat all of my enemies with the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony. The gates of hell will not prevail against me.

There was a part of me that did not believe this, a small hidden part. A voice that said, victory is for others, but not for me.  This part met Jesus, and he healed me. Without compassion, there is no healing. I am on a journey to a heart of compassion. I will not be comforted by anything else. I seek a heart of flesh, that feels. Nothing else can satisfy me.

Once I remembered the stories of what I was like as a kid.  My parents always talked about how strong-willed and hard-headed I was, how I would fight tooth and nail when I wanted something and not let go until I prevailed. I asked myself and the Lord, what happened to that part of me? When did I stop trying to dream? If it wasn’t for my awesome husband I don’t know what would have happened to me. I was so beat down I could barely get through the day.

Please remember this: I have had years of pro counseling and meds. These things made me even more numb. Shutting out the distractions and lies and being intentional with pursuing God’s heart with honesty and repentance is healing me, along with help and love from my hubby, and these sweet frens online.

Bless you,
Duckfarmer

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